O de sempre...

Me sinto deslocado. Ja me sentia deslocado no tempo desde cedo. Sempre me senti num mundo por vezes demasiado rapido e por vezes demasiado arcaico. Raramente me senti no mesmo tempo em que meus contemporaneos.

A mais nova moda de Brasileiros em Londres me causou o sentimento de deslocamento social/espacial. Me sinto em casa aqui e ai, mas quando estava ai, sentia falta daqui e sabia que minha casa era aqui. E agora que ja estou aqui ha 5 anos, sinto saudades dai. Cada dia mais. Das familias que tenho, dos amigos que deixei pra tras. Dos lugares aos quais estava comecando a me adaptar e incluir nos meus mapas mentais quando estava pra sair dai. Da comida, do barulho, dos cheiros, das pessoas, das luzes, dos lugares, dos encontros, das facilidades, dos sorrisos, das dificuldades, do ceu, da chuva de verao, do asfalto.

Saudade. =\

All the same

Things are all the same.
=p

I wanna be two people

I want to be a mature, responsible adult. I want to drive a car, buy a mortgage, get married and have kids... I want to cook healthy and get some time in the middle of all this to exercise. I want to have a big and loving family. I want to have a degree or two, post grad also... I want to build foundations for a solid future. I want to be the best I can be.

I want to be a creative, naive and adventuring youngster. I want to travel around and have all kinds of jobs. I want to try everything at least once. I want to have sex with all kinds of people and get to know my limits. I want to be reckless and impulsive. I want to be knowledgeable. I want to learn to play the piano, to speak Japanese, to knit, to draw and paint, to dance and sing. I want to do and enjoy everything I never did because I didn't (and still don't) have enough courage.

I want to be an unattainable future and a past unfulfilled. I don't know who I am right now. I've never known...

Summer again

The song for this post doesn't have lyrics so, if you can, take your time to open Youtube and listen to it while you read. =]

Sometimes, when the temperature is right; when the barometric pressure, the wind speed and the pollen count are within the proper parameters; when you had a nice lazy day at work and a sweet coconut ice cream over a good talk afterwards; when the chemistry of the brain is balanced just right, you have good insights. Or maybe just insights, considering they'll only be good depending on the viewer's judgement. But you'll feel they're good. At these times you'll realise those things you always knew and know but never really think much about: Everybody wants basically the same things...

- An easy job, maybe even a fulfilling one;
- Enough money to get by, to get some extra comfort once in a while and to save for posterity;
- A love, or just some (enough not to feel alone all the time but not so much as to feel suffocated);
- Friends of the major types: the ones you can count on; the ones that count on you (which will inevitably make you feel special or annoyed, depending on the mood of the day); and a few of the rare ones that mix both previous types;
- Cold pints at the pub garden on hot Friday summer afternoons;
- Weekends at the beach and maybe the odd visit to the amusement park;
- The cozy snowy weeks around the end of the year festivities that may last till February, when you have the perfect excuse to stay in bed till late, watching cheap romantic comedy movies.

And it feels like floating above the city, with he reassuring buzz of traffic ensuring you're not lost, just a bit apart. Basking on the gentle warmth of the sun. Watching it set and the stars take its place.



Summer does that to me... =]


Joe Hisaishi - One Summer's Day (from Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi)

Nostalgia

It's funny (or not) when we start realizing that YES! We ARE getting old... I just finished a long voyage into nostalgia, going through Facebook profiles of people I used to see on a daily basis, and it's kinda crazy to my mind to realize that I'm not the only one who moved on and evolved in some way.

It always felt that the bully would always be a stupid moron, but he actually traveled around and seems to be more open-minded and accepting. Same thing for the geeks. Yes, there were worse geeks than me. And they are cool now! Speaking so many languages and being so clever and interesting. The Bitch is still a bitch but then, some people never change. =D

If it's funny from one point of view, it always goes back to being sad somehow. Seeing how me and my closest friends, who I saw and talked to almost everyday for 2 years and who knew me better than myself , aren't that close anymore. Of course we will always like each other a lot and have a lot of mutual respect and consideration, but we're not in each others lives as we used to be. And we never reached that level of friendship we always thought would naturally come after getting freedom from school and obligations. Guess what... Now we have even more obligations, and our free time is spent with those who are closest to us in more ways than just studying in the same class...

It feels like we branch out more and more and get more and more people in our lives and have always less time to interact more intimately. So we end up not being really good friends with half the people we'd like to... Sad but true.

What should I do? I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing: having a special few and focusing on them (when I'm not being too lazy). I'd rather have a few best friends than a lot of ok friends. After all, old ideas don't always get discarded. Some always accrue value with maturation. =]




"And when we get home, I know we won't be home at all
This place we live, it is not where we belong
And I miss who we were in the town that we could call our own
Going back to get away after everything has changed (...)

So we stand here now and no one knows us at all
I won't get used to this
I won't get used to being gone
And going back won't feel the same if we aren't staying
Going back to get away after everything has changed(...)

'Could you help me push aside all that I have left behind
(Everything has changed)(...)
It's taking up our time"

Paramore - Franklin